look no pants
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
