don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize