Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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