I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
