My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
