How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
My vagina is officially offended.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
