well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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