so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
