omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
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