i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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