Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
