It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
