whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
