so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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