It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
