My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
