he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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