she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
We need a shit load of segways right now
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
