I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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