He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
