Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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