WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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