Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
