Got a toothbrush?
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
