Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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