My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
