If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
She tied me up with her honor cords...
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
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