I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
