the new term for farting is butt boxing.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
