the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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