My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
