this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
