so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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