you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
