She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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