My nipple is on Facebook.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
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