All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
