smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
