i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
