I cannot find my penis.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
