Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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