im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
