I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Randomize
