My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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