Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize