True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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