It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
