I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Randomize
