Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
