It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
