Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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