I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
