I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
