i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Randomize
