you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
