his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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