According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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