i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
