Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
