Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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