I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
