k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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