I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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